Dead Memories..

I've been listening to that song quite a bit lately and thinking about quite a few things...

• Why did i lose her again?
• Why?
• WHY?!
• and you may have guessed..WHY?!?!

"Sitting in the dark, i cant forget

Even now i realize the time i'll never get

Another story of the bitter pills of fate

I can't go back again, I can't go back again"

The more i listen to these the more i think about the current situation. No talking, no contact...no hope...

She's with someone else now, and i just want to say, there isnt anyone out there that will look after her and care for her as much as this person. She doesn't seem to be in the best of all places at the moment, and if theres someone that can pull her out of it, its C.

The past few monthes have not been the best for me, along with other things like school coming to an end, so have some of my friendships. It's funny, looking back it seemed like everyone would be friends forever, never growing up, never thinking about university, or jobs, or even exams. That life would just be perfect, forever and ever. But life isn't perfect, you do things you regret, say things you dont mean, and can never be forgiven for them.

A little while back i was at one of my bestfriends house with another best friend when she got a phone call. It was from c saying how they'd kissed for the first time. It was at the point where something broke in me..

i realized that although i want the world to be perfect, for friends to be here, together forever, it's not going to happen...and theres nothing i can do to change it :(

xx

back again

first of all, sorry ive not done this in a while, mainly due to things im thinking about at the moment, and quite simply a heck of alot of ict work :P (if you take it, you'll know what i mean), i just want to begin with some lyrics. I know its not the most original thing, but they seemed quite appropriate:

Let me hold you, for the last time,

its the last chance to feel again.

but you broke me,

now i cant feel anything.

Anyway..
to be honest this week hasnt been the best, but before i drone on about all that etc, im gunna highlight the good points..

FINISHING all my ict :D, thankgod its over, just got the other two lessons to worry about now :P

Working on sunday. this may not seem like a good thing as i was absoloutely knackered, but g came down with her mum and it was nice to see her :) we really need to catchup properly at some point

The pubquiz. this was good and bad tbh, the good being that it was a great laugh and i could unwind, however the bad being that two of my friends are having problems with another two. This meant that there was a divide in the tables when we got there and it felt awkward being in the middle of it. This has to stop, i mean we're going on holiday together for crying out loud!

It also wasnt the best quiz as it was the first time i saw them "together". Id normally be happy for them, i want to be happy for them soo much, but because of the way i feel about her...i dont know.. I messed up things with her, and i dont think i'll be able to forgive myself for what i did. Im the reason that im like this, and have felt like this since it happened. I finally thought that i'd found someone that i could care for, be their angel, but as always i messed things up..

If she's reading this, i truly am sorry for what i did, it wasnt my place and ive not stopped thinking about since...we've tried to move past it, but there is no excuse for an abuse of a friends trust..and it's cost me everything i wanted

x

Re-born

The title of this says it all, thats how i feel at the moment. On friday night i got two of my best friends back, (one of them being "her") although im yet to prove myself to her :-/ i will, i must..

At the moment i feel like i can do anything, and i need to feel like that with exams coming up :)...(it helps) :P..even though one of my chemistry teachers doesnt always know what he is teaching us :-/ may need to start revising

This weekend really wasnt the most productive, i was supposed to finish most of my work and just havent had the time due to driving lesson and working. p.s. bright sunny weather hasnt helped at work hehe

At some times i feel like im losing one of my friends, she's been messed about in the past alot, and now she's found someone that makes her smile :) im happy for her :)

Anyway must go, need to catchup on more ict work AND try and catchup some sleep :P

bye x

An apology, but with news..

ok firstly, let me just apologie for not posting in quite a while...to be honest, ive been quite side tracked these past few dyas with, well, everything...

wednesday

This began with a trip to school for revision...(crazy i know as were off atm but still) if anyone takes chemistry thats reading this, then they'll understand, but the events that follwed were alot more interesting.

To begin with a trip to a local sandwich shop, were me and one of my closest friends (g) ate curly fries and garlic mayo :)

Then a picnic :O

I remember when i was a child going on picnic's with family, and completely forgotten what good fun they are. In fairness there were a few differences, for example i was able to drink, comapred to being about 7, helped me stop thinking about a current issue for a second though. although the weather wasnt very nice for us, we went to one of our houses and enjoyed sitting on a rug in the living room, watching the disney channel and a nice film, p.s. (Peanut butter and strawberry jam sandwiches are amazing! :D)

Later on that day, me and a friend were walking to mine when we met my brother and his friend, needless to say all of our childish instincts took over, and we ended up playing a rather interesting version of the game curby (not the little pink jigglypuff looking thing).


Thursday

Not alot to put for thursday, but one main thing..

I couldnt stop thinking about her. this isnt the only day this has happened either, its been all week, infact longer than that, all my thoughts have been about her. we're not on the best terms at the moment, and compared to everything else in my life, that scares me the most! if i were to lose her, it would be like taking away light from heaven..so if she's reading this, you have no idea how much i care about you..

Friday (Today)

I keep thinking my parents will find out about it, they keep questioning why im wearing what i am, if only they knew what was going through my head at the moment then maybe they'd understand why im doing this..

x

Easter

Not the easter i planned today, for starters i was called into work an hour earlier, after looking round the shops for 3 dozen eggs!...(dont ask), i wont go into my working day too much, but picture a small, under staffed (in my opinion), cafe open on easter sunday(when little is open), cooking sunday lunches straight away for any customer....im pooped

She spoke to me today, but things werent as i have been hoping for these past few days. I made a mistake and asked her friend what she was talking about with her, rather than going straight to her in the first place. It appears that my mistake has cost me alot more than first appeared.. :-/

im trying to sort things out, not just with her, but evrything..work, school stuff, outlook in general, but it all seems to be building up.. :( i cant take much more of this before i shout out loud how i feel..

happy easter everyone :) x x

Cake Day

Best thing about today...CAKE MAKING with friends :)!

Spent most of the day making cakes (incase you havent guessed all ready) with friends in a no holds barred fight to the death......of baking! :P

Apart from that, work still seems to have taken over my life at the moment, and nothing is helping me through it. I guess the only thing to do now is to knuckle down and carry on through..

I spoke to one of my "far away friends" today, well, if you class scotland as far away :P but it was nice as i havent spoken to her in ages :) I've liked that over the past few days, spending time with friends remembering what it used to be like.

Speaking of old things :P, i found my gameboys today :O along with pokemon red and gold, cant wait to get back into them, stupid rechargable batteries...hehe but apparently ive already completed most of the game and onto the elite 4 :O..


havent spoken to her today, i suppose it will just take some time for things to sort out, all i can do is hope...

Today has been a good day :).

It began with a lie in, as all good days should, but more importantly today, she came round :). We watched a film and all I could help think was how much I wanted to stay with her, protect her, fight for her...but its never that simple. I’m still so confused about what to do, but in time, we will see what happens..

Today I have also had a nice conversation with Gemma :), thank you for your advice and hopefully we can do something over the summer holidays. I don’t think we'll ever lose each other hehe :) at least until we're 30 :P..

Planning a few projects to complete over these summer holidays, and i really cant wait for them. It seems I cant wait to start uni as well.. even though it means ill lose some of my friends :(.. it’ll be a new beginning, but everyone wants one of those now and again..

I have noticed something over these past few months and it is growing as more and more of a concern. Whenever my family are happy, I seem to be sad, and vice versa.. I’m not sure why, I mean I love my family don’t get me wrong, so its either crazzee coincidences or something is wrong with me...

I wouldn’t be surprised if it was the second one...

And So It Begins..

Ironically enough, I have critized others about starting these...but it seems like a good way to say how life is/can be/should be, so let’s give it a shot :)

Today’s events

Today I discovered that my life has now been taken over by my job and ICT work, not a nice combination with deadlines and summer approaching. The effect of long shifts are finally taking their tole, yet I am forced to put aside these feelings of stress and sadness in order to earn money and pass my exams

:(.

To be honest, tonight has been a nice reminder of how my friendship with a certain someone began. It was nice to go see a film, have a laugh and throw popcorn about the place...don’t ask. The film was good and I recommend anyone to go see "I love you, man" if you want a long hard laugh.

The final part of my night has been rather uneventful, apart from the creation of this, which has been rather a new experience to the Internet world.

Thoughts etc

There is one main thing that has been running through my mind today, and that is her. I have found myself awake at night thinking about her, and yet I don’t want to stop.. What should I do?..



p.s. This is a "pre-sorry" for any rants that occur in the future..